Item 1: Skull Shirt 

At first glance, this shirt is a poignant, colorfully solemn statement about life springing from death, with the gold tooth contributing an additional level of introspection about the parts of ourselves that persist in existing for the longest after we depart from the mortal plane. I do not aim to refute any part of this message, especially considering the way that the skull’s continued usefulness in the world is highlighted by the golden aura surrounding it. However, I must note that the same aura is present behind the billowing scrolls beneath the skull, which read “Le vrai amour meurt.” Using advanced computer software known to coding professionals as Google Translate, I was able to parse this message and determine its English translation to be “True Love Dies.” Like humans, flowers are ephemeral: this scroll reminds us, or at least those of us who read French, that the roses so currently vibrant will in time decay, their frail petals fall and reunite with the soil that once nourished them. As to the question of which of the two messages comes across stronger, I will say only this: all’s fair in skulls and scrolls. 

Item 2: Dirty Plate, Now With Fork  

A moment of recognition first for the person who heeded my last week’s advice and bravely left a pencil case on the soiled plate, cleverly avoiding contact with the yellow stain (which looks so similar to its appearance three weeks ago that I now wonder if it was painted on). The plate itself has suffered a fall in status, if status is determined by altitude: while it was once high on the shelves, it now resides among the lowest of the low. In its place? More dishware, of all things: a fork, nearly blending into the metallic water bottles behind it, facing away from the rest of its shelfmates as though trying to convince itself it’s somewhere other than the haven of abandonment where it is. One pities this self-deluding fork, and hopes it will soon be reclaimed. (Please do your best to take in stride my assertion that this fork has a face.) 

Item 3: Gray Blazer  

A smart article of semiformal wear, distinctive among a sea of hoodies, possibly left behind at homecoming or simply by someone who lost their desire for spiffiness halfway through the school day. This was by far the most envy-invoking item I came across in my journalistic investigations, and I admit it took a not inconsiderable amount of willpower for me not to try it on. I urge the owner of this blazer to retrieve it with no waste of time, in case I walk past the Lost and Found again and its allure proves too powerful for my limited reserves of self-restraint.